Ego

I'm sure that among everybody there are bound to be suckers who constantly feed their ego, complimenting themselves and just keep undermining others to make themselves feel more superior.

I've noticed that there's this problem among many guys, they like to make themselves sound so much better than they really are and they have forgotten the main principle in a modern relationship, "girls are meant to be taken care of, loved and pampered, not the other way round."

These guys like to shower themselves with compliments that are not necessary true and constantly undermine their other half.

Modern girls are no longer girls who stay at home waiting for their husbands to get home and make dinner, much less for couples who are not even married yet.

Treat us with respect and compliments that we deserve, not just occasional “I love you(s)”

Unless the following situations, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t show more love for your girl:

1. She’s so fat & ugly that you are the last person in the earth that will ever want her.

2. She has no education, experience nor knowledge or any skills to survive without you.

3. You are so damn good that no girl in the world would ever want to lose you (but then again, if you’re that good, you wouldn’t treat a girl this way)

There are so many more reasons why you should treat your partner better, but understand that nobody will die just because they don’t have you. There are infinite opportunities and alternative for one person, don’t be eaten up by your ego.

There will be a day when she realized that you don’t even really give a fuck for her, but only yourself. That’s the last straw for your girl; she will turn her head against you and never turn back.

You always think to yourself, why girls that will stick with you and bear with your ego without feeling affected are always those stupid or ugly ones, and why those girls that you try so hard to get and win just can’t bear with your constant narcissism. Simply put, girls who have brain, looks and everything don’t like to be undermined, they would bear with it for once or twice but soon enough, she will be done with giving in, with the constant feeling of being inferior cause she knows that she deserve so much more and that you do not deserve her at all for you have no knowledge of how to treat a girl proper.

If you really love and care for someone, do something, show that you care. Don’t give up things and people that are so important to you and will make a great difference in your life just because of your ego. Ego is nothing but something that you tell yourself, something that blocks your logical thinking and feeding it will just make you lose so much in life.

2011

I know that I haven't been exactly a nice person, thus people may see me as a friend that is very hard to accommodate. I'm trying, and learning to be a better person.

Truth is, I'm very insecure, so damn insecure that I need to let people perceive that I'm actually very confident and sometimes, it may be seemed as arrogance.

I want to be a more accommodating person, someone whom you’d want to be with. It’s those insecurities that are fucking up my head.

Losing it.

I'm losing myself day by day.

I feel more and more inferior as day pass.

I don't know who I am and what I want anymore.

It's sad to know that I'm not important in anyone's life like how I did before.

It's sad to know that I'm all alone.

I'm killing myself in within.

Moments of happiness just suddenly got taken over by sadness.

There's no more energy left in me.

Just this small amount of hope that's slowly thinning away.

Why?

I'm working hard, so hard on things that I want.

I didn't used to have to work for anything but now, even when I'm trying my best, I can't have anything.

Society gave up on people who don't work for anything, but why me?

I'm doing my best in every single detail that I could.

Yet I'm not achieving or getting anything?

I hate that these scary thoughts keep intruding my head.

I'm in no control of my life.

Loneliness is eating me up.

Sadness sheltering me.

Every morning, waking up to that blanket of dullness.

It's overwhelming, yet nobody could do anything to lose it.

I can't do anything to leave it.

Hurtful words echoing in my head, constantly feeling like giving up.

Life is so weird, it gives you things when you have everything.

You get complacent and start taking things for granted.

Slowly, you loses everything and when you begged and chase for things that you used to have..

They becomes like dreams, so far away that you feel so tired chasing.

Asking yourself, when can I get to my destination?

When will I get myself back?

& eventually, you gave up trying, giving things up and ends up having regrets in life.

I can't move on, I'm stucked, with trembling limbs not knowing what to do or who to turn to.

What's left of me?

Dilemma

My mind has been fucking with me.

Just when I thought there was nothing, just when I thought we were gone.

What was that? Is it me that you're talking about?

I've been missing people from my past so much, I've been thinking about this past year almost everyday.

All the wrong doings, pain, hurt.

I don't want the same thing to happen.

It's not fair.

This is not a way to live my life, but what should I do.

Who should I turn to.

I want to go to you, but I asked myself, "then what?"

What else?

What will we be to each other.

What am I to you.

What are you to me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why, why is it that you pushed me till the edge and now you grabbed me so hard trying to pull me up.

Am I supposed to hold those pair of hands?

Will I be tortured more if I got up?

If I would be, I'd rather fall..

5th month, not so happy afterall.

I'd always thought that I was a very good girlfriend.

Always understanding, not easily jealous and I treat him like no other.

But after these five months spending together, I don't know.

I really don't.

I'm like a mother spoiling a child.

4th August

On the 4th August 1953, Richard was born.

Richard has a beautiful family, with a son and a daughter.

He always places his family as his first priority and never fail to provide for his family.

His son is currently working in Australia and his girl is currently studying in Singapore.

All he wishes was the welfare and future for his kids.

He's a good father, who works as hard as possible to ensure that his children do not have to worry about their family and could concentrate on studying.

He respects them and gave them freedom and taught independence since they were young.

However, like typical teenagers, his children were rebellious, they played a fool and broke their parents heart.

Richard never gave up, he continued being supportive to his children.

Sure, there were times were he was so pissed off that he lost his cool, but nevertheless, he did not give up on them.

Slowly, as they grew up, they know what was important.

They worked hard and currently, still worked very hard to achieve their parents' expectations.

Richard loved his family, but due to different commitments, the couple did not find the need for celebrations. Richard did not celebrate his birthday for a very long time.

Every year, his children would buy gifts, made card or simply call to wish him a very Happy Birthday and he was contented.

He turned down all the celebrations as he was afraid that it would be a hassle for his children.

He goes to donate blood twice every year either during his kids birthdays or his own.

Richard is a wonderful man, and a great father.

He is my dad and I would like to bring him out for a celebration this year.

Daddy, Happy Birthday

& I love you.

You are the world's greatest dad, and I can never find anyone who loves me as much as you.

Love,

Shihan

;

" I know that things will get better eventually because they always do, don't they? "

prologue.

"It came to a point where everything matters."

In every relationship, there will always be a point where happiness isn't the only element. Because when there's love, there will be concerns and expectations.

I always feel that as long as there isn't expectations, there won't be disappointments. I try as hard as possible to not give anyone around me any expectations so that I won't be disappointed. Apparently, I failed, failed really badly. Not only I got myself hurt, inevitably people around me are hurt as well. I don't know how to love, how to give everything up to love. Sometimes, I feel that I am very difficult to be with. I hope that I can be like girls who can sacrifice everything and be contented with whatever they have, as long as the one they love is around them. I also wish to be girls who can only think of marrying someone rich, so that they don't have to bother about working hard. I can't.

Not only do I have expectations for myself, I have expectations for my other half, my team members as well as colleagues. I am wired to behave and think this way.

Sucks to be me,

xoxo

PMS

I fucking hate PMS.

Makes me think about things, and most of the time, these things aren't gonna change.

This time, I thought about men.

Men who came into my life and left after a short while.

There was only one that stayed, one who stayed by me for these three years.

When I say stay, I'm not talking about constantly contacting, I'm talking about being so close by and I know I can turn to him anytime, anywhere.

Few days back, he was so angry with me that he left.

Left me all alone, not replying my messages nor answering my calls.

He spoke to me after awhile, telling me how angry he was.

I knew that I was at fault, all I could do is to apologise.

Then I thought of how desperate I was to keep him by my side.

Keeping the only man that stayed close by.

I hate this routine.

I hate that almost everyone come and go.

I hate that we will normally end up like strangers after awhile.

Those friends became acquaintance and acquaintance became strangers.

Usually, I'm the one moving on first.

They will be the one staying behind at the same spot, hoping.

But when they moves on, my heart aches, my heart aches looking at someone who is willing to do anything for me gone.

How selfish can I be, I always wondered.

I hate to see you move on.

I hate myself for hating seeing you moving on.

Sorry,

Shihan

Love?

Sometimes I can't help but think, in the current society, is dating comparable to being in a relationship?

Since, there are kissing and cuddling, then what defines a couple?

How do we actually know what are we even before the crucial question pops out?

How many of us really mean it when we say, I love you. & how can we define love from affection?

Personally, when I say that I love somebody, it actually comes with great responsibilities and commitments. Sometimes, I can't even bring myself to say these magical words, even to my other half.

I feel as if these words are being abused, it is so overly-used that it slowly loses its importance.

There are many elements that makes up a relationship and between these elements, there are countless grey zones that left people wondering. Affection & love, passion & lust, chemistry & feelings etc. So many grey zones that are so hard to define and inevitably drives us crazy. Whoever that said that status didn't matter must be a liar. People want to know and be acknowledged of their positions in another's heart.

The grey zones creates embarrassing moments and suspicions when one isn't acknowledged. they feel unimportant and unjust in circumstances. Imagine a scenario where you bumped into a friend with your un-sure other half, how are you supposed to introduce them as? A companion, fling, girlfriend or simply just friends?

• A companion - someone you feel attracted to and provides company.
• A fling - with or without feelings, but lust and pleasure is the only important element.
• A boyfriend - A guy that provides affection, love, passion and commitments.
• A friend - no feelings nor commitments, straight forward company.

Soemtimes, we are so overly obsessed with the status that we neglects our feelings towards each other. Quarrels and arguments arises from these uncertainties and we start feeling insecure. Was it because of the uncertainties, in security or was it just our selfishness that becomes our own obstacles? We evolves into these mindless beings in love in pursuit of what? If we can calm down and ask ourselves these questions, perhaps we could handle these uncertainties and choose the right, appropriate words with a clear state of mind.

These, if you are uncertain, ask. Ask in a correct manner without any clouds in your head to blur your perspective. If you choose the easier way out of not communicating at all, don't blame others for your insecurities. After asking, you will eventually get your answer, either physically or verbally, but before you get your answers, learn to guard to your heart.

Xoxo,

Shihan.

Me.

When I was on my way home alone, I thought of what kind of person I am.

I had the sudden urge to list it down and see how much of it is true.

I have mood swings sometimes.

I think a lot sometimes.

I pretend that I don't care sometimes.

I am chubby.

I try to increase my self-esteem constantly.

I do not love all the kids.

I love animals.

I like having the attention.

I like to be sweet talked sometimes.

I mean what I say to family and friends. (Only family & friends)

I stand firm on my principles.

I analyze people.

I fail to analyze situation sometimes.

I talk a little too much.

I am a little too friendly.

I am loyal to my friends and family.

I see what you are worth. (both materialistically and non)

I really stop giving chances when I go all out.

I try to be nice.

I am a little materialistic.

I am a little spoilt.

I don't give a fuck about people I don't like.

I sometimes ruin peoples' life.

I like watching the movie.

I like leaning on someone.

I like cuddling.

I enjoy kissing.

I am open-minded. (talk only)

I am conservative.

I get bored very soon.

I love to sleep.

I am lazy.

I procrastinate a little too much.

I like taking the short cuts.

I prefer to plan my time.

I hate having no plans.

I am semi-determined.

I like to have a little authority.

I like to be doted on.

I am slightly better inclined academic wise.

I know how to talk.

I like to make fun of people, unknowingly.

I feel insecure sometimes.

I adore pretty things.

I like things plain and simple.

I will still get jealous.

I am still a girl.

I am loud.

I love shoes.

I enjoy making jokes.

I enjoy making friends.

I will say if I feel uncomfortable.

& now I'm sleepy.

Regards,

Shihan.

Discipline.

I constantly feel like there is something lacking in my life.

I don't feel like a whole, it's like something is missing.

Initially, I thought that it was passion, but I figured out that I haven't started on my passion, and my passion would probably be my work and a part of me. I guess I shall just leave that to my future.

Then, I thought that it was love. Yes, I've met a whole lot of awesome guys, but it is not true that I set my standards too high, I just wanted to be appreciated and accepted. Apparently, it is so god damn hard. I came out with a conclusion that perhaps I'm looking at love at a very wrong time.

Now, I think that it is because of disciplinary issues. I can't be disciplined, cause when I line up my priorities, it seemed like I didn't exactly excel in anything. What's worse is everyone who know me well enough know that I'm lacking of fucking discipline.

1. Studies
2. Family
3. Work
4. Money
5. Appearance

Studies

I might have good results, but it's not up to my expectations yet, the time and effort that I put in to my studies are also not what I expect myself to. I go to class late, I skip school sometimes, I can't seemed to study when there is really a need to. I want a good grade and I know that I can, but it's just that I can't find the discipline to really do it.

Family

I want to spend time with my parents, I am very grateful towards them for tolerating such a wild child for so many years. Now that I am more sensible, the only thing I can do for them is making time for them. Yet, I always choose the easier way out. I feel like shit and sometimes when I do feel like shit, I spend time with them because I am guilty of my duty being a daughter. I don't want to spend time with them because my conscience tells me to, I want to have the discipline to spend time with them.

Work

I dread going to work, I am so damn lazy. I know that nobody like to work, but at least they are responsible. Sometimes, I just stone at work or doze off because my right brain tells me to not give a fuck. I feel so bad because I feel bad, feel bad dozing off and not doing my job. I don't have the discipline of sleeping early and waking up early because it is my responsibility. Sometimes at work, I feel like shit too.

Money

I just can't save for fuck's sake.

Appearance

I know I'm fat, or maybe a better term, chubby. I want to go on a diet, I want to exercise because I know I am responsible for my body. I give up running and swimming after a week because it is too tedious. I tell myself that it is because I can't make time due to work to exercise. I tell myself that I can't find a buddy to run with. All these are bullshit, and it's just due to plain laziness. Because I ran myself today, after work, after hanging out with my friends. It is possible, but I'm lacking of the fucking discipline.

Suddenly, I feel so disappointed in myself.

I want to be better.

Will I?

Love,

Shihan

Dedicated to yours truly.

EDIT: I'd like to apologise to anyone who're affected, I still love you guys. :) Just not being myself.

I've never wanted to admit. But yes, after I sort of ended things with X, I was heartbroken, really upset.

I thought that I just needed a day or two to pick myself up, thinking that I am fine after crying.

Bullshit. I did so many things that inevitably got myself hurt.

I hated people who wallow themselves in self-pity, especially after breaking up. Yet, I was the one who wallowed myself in self-pity. I am not going to talk about how I felt, because I'm sure that almost everyone around me knew what happened.

Today, I asked myself, why are you trying so hard? What are you trying to prove?

Then I realised, I wanted to prove that I am still wanted.

That's all. I know that there are so many people who love me but it was not enough. How ignorant can I get. In this short period of time, there was countless times where I had intentions of being the charming flirtatious me. Honestly, now that I look at myself, I don't think that I am charming at all. It's time that I pick myself up and move on. I don't want to continue hurting myself this way.

Moving on,

Shihan.

Boys: Annoying ones.

Girls, have you ever met a guy that is so annoying that you feel like screaming at him?

I did. A few in fact.

The top 4 in the annoying list...

4. Scornful idiots.

Most of these scornful idiots owns a transport. They think that their transport gives them an upper hand. Yes, I must admit that having a transport gives you an upper hand, but your scornful attitudes? Only dumb girls can take that.

These men like to use phrases like,"Worry for what? I can send you home." Or,"Walk home yourself lor." Similar phrases with that boastful tone that I find it annoyingly annoying.

Honestly, men should be more humble, less egoistic. Cause egoistic brings you no where. So what if you have a transport, do I look like I have no money for cabs?

The way these men put it just make themselves sound stupid and shallow.

I've also met those without transport but similarly, egoistic. They like to make themselves sound like they're superman or something. Exaggerating their abilities, or put it in a crude way, saying that their balls are as big as a soccer ball, which is impossible.

3. Crocodiles.

Why do I categorized them as crocodiles are simply because, their skins are as thick as crocodiles. These creatures don't understand the word NO. They'd ask you out again and again even after constant rejections. My constant rejections do not refer to rejecting 2 ~ 4 times in a row. That might be because the girl is busy. My constant rejections refers to rejecting for 7~8 times, day after day. Have you gotten that before? It was awfully annoying and I ended up not replying, but clearly, Mr. Crocodile didn't get it. Sent me messages at least twice a day, without me replying and reporting to me what he was doing. Hell, do I look like I even care? Even after telling him straight to his stupid thick-skinned face to stop annoying me, he still did. Till now, I just have to ignore him.

2. If 10 is the maximum, I'm your 12.

Referring to guys who do not know where they stand. I'm sure every single girl met such a guy before. These men, have no idea how they look like, how they talk, how they present themselves and have no common sense. Just imagine..

Jennifer Aniston & Ah Nan (Local celeb)

You get what I'm saying.

I mean, go for someone your standard.

There was this guy, who can't even speak proper English tried hooking me up.

Man: Hi. Can make frd wit u?

Me: No.

Man: Why cannot.

Me: I don't like talking to strangers.

Man: It okay then.

Me: It's not okay. It should be It's okay instead of it okay. Brush up your English before trying to hook girls up?

Man: ...

Okay, I was having my mood swings then. I'm not normally like this.

1. Petty boys.

These are not pretty boys, but petty boys. Boys who act like girls. Hate them!

"Be a man, do the right thing." But why these idiots just don't get it?

For instance, after a break up, not even a divorce, they act like their exs are their enemies. Please, that is a fucking girl thing. If you tell me that you feel hurt facing them, fine, I understand. You don't go telling people stuffs about them. That's plain childish because your ex did not fuck you up to her friends. I realized that there is an increasing amount of these men boys who are acting in this lady-like manner. Stop being so petty, can't you just let go of these issues and move on? Stop picking on your ex or being all so petty. It is really a major turn-off. Cause it is equivalent to whiny boys. Which is equivalent to gay. Stop being a gay. Be a man and stop bearing grudges. Morons.

Boys, do not feel offended cause everyone have their flaws.

Just change if you think that you resemble one of these type.

Xoxo.

Thoughts.

I think that it's time to come clean to myself.

I haven't been exactly fair to people around me.

These few months, so many things happened.

So many people were in and out of my life.

I fucked up. Yeah, I know..

All I can say is that I'm sorry and I guess I've enter a new chapter of my life.

I am going to play hard, and work harder.

There are so many things that I intend to complete;

1. Increase 0.2 in GPA. (Or at least maintain)
2. Cut down sugar & carbo intake.
3. Start working out.
4. Car.
5. Control spending.

Okay, that is enough for now.

I've met someone special, who taught me a lot of things.

Perhaps that's why I'm changing, growing up and being a better person.

Xoxo,

Shihan.

Pre - Lunar New Year

How's Lunar New Year preparations for everyone?

Mine's fucking hectic.

I've tons of tutorials and presentation to complete, uncompleted new year shopping, manicure&pedicure, facial, help out my mom. etc.

On top of that, I've yet do up my room and house for new year.

I'm such a lazy bum I swear. & I hate pushing away promised dates, cause that makes me a PSK. :(

Sooooooooooo, a preview of my schedule for my upcoming week.

Please book ASAP for appointment hahahaha.

Love,

Shihan :)

My stories

2010,

I've met so many people & and there's so many occasions when I've shared joy and happiness with my beloved friends. I've learnt that there are so many people around me who care and love me, even people that I don't even know that care.

Some special moments,

Schoolmates,

Thanks for being a sweetheart and I loved those times when we hang out together.

It was very nice to meet all of you and thanks for being such good friends.

I've enjoyed my birthday celebration at Domes and also the many other times when we hung out.

Looking forward to the next few years with you guys. ♥

Zhikai & clique,

Thanks for being there for me all the time and care for me like a princess.

With you, I feel very protected and there's no doubt how much I trust you.

Thanks for allowing me to meet your friends and eventually, being friends with them.

I'd like to be there for you like how you are there for me the whole time.

I'm sorry for the times when I'm acting like a total spoilt brat, and thanks for tolerating all my nonsense for the past year.

I've never regretted knowing you and I'd like you to know that I really care for you. :)

Gibson,

Hello, if you are reading this, I would like to know how are you doing?

Perhaps we couldn't make it as a couple, but maybe it's better this way?

I was never a good girlfriend and although I loved you, I didn't express it the way you wanted.

I'm sorry that we didn't have a good end but I'm glad that we are at least on talking terms now.

I know that you still care, and I do still, as a friend.

I really would like to thank you for all the happy moments shared for the past two years, those tears I've shed for you is definitely worth it.

Thanks for all the efforts and time spent on me, I really love it.

Especially my birthday present.

You never forget how much I love present and bought me a Christmas present even when we're no longer together.

Thank you, and please take care.

You've been my best love.

Classmates,

I've entered SP and made new friends which I've became close to and shared many moments with. I love it when we joke about the most ridiculous things in school, have lunch together and do our work together. Thanks for being my lovely friends whom tolerate with my cranky attitude early in the morning. You guys spoils me so badly, letting me choose all the places to eat for lunch and all the simplest stuffs you guys do for me. Such sweet hearts! ♥

I love it when we celebrated Ziyuan's birthday together at Kbox and the Christmas celebration over my place. I swear that you guys are the best classmates that I've ever met. :)

Joanne & the clique,

We've been starting to hang out more often and we met the clique this year. Although there were many sad moments, but I cherish the happy moments especially.

It was really sweet when we celebrate each others' birthday and hang out together.

All those outings that we had were very happy moments and I love this one occasion when we celebrated Norman's birthday in school.

I also particularly enjoyed the picnic at Marina Barrage cause everyone really enjoyed themselves.

Joanne is really a sweetheart cause she's with me during all the ups and downs, and never fail to brighten up my day.

Thank you for being one of my few girlfriends and my best friend. You are always there when I need a listening ear and supports me no matter what I do. You're the best.

Love,

Shihan ♥