Discipline.

I constantly feel like there is something lacking in my life.

I don't feel like a whole, it's like something is missing.

Initially, I thought that it was passion, but I figured out that I haven't started on my passion, and my passion would probably be my work and a part of me. I guess I shall just leave that to my future.

Then, I thought that it was love. Yes, I've met a whole lot of awesome guys, but it is not true that I set my standards too high, I just wanted to be appreciated and accepted. Apparently, it is so god damn hard. I came out with a conclusion that perhaps I'm looking at love at a very wrong time.

Now, I think that it is because of disciplinary issues. I can't be disciplined, cause when I line up my priorities, it seemed like I didn't exactly excel in anything. What's worse is everyone who know me well enough know that I'm lacking of fucking discipline.

1. Studies
2. Family
3. Work
4. Money
5. Appearance

Studies

I might have good results, but it's not up to my expectations yet, the time and effort that I put in to my studies are also not what I expect myself to. I go to class late, I skip school sometimes, I can't seemed to study when there is really a need to. I want a good grade and I know that I can, but it's just that I can't find the discipline to really do it.

Family

I want to spend time with my parents, I am very grateful towards them for tolerating such a wild child for so many years. Now that I am more sensible, the only thing I can do for them is making time for them. Yet, I always choose the easier way out. I feel like shit and sometimes when I do feel like shit, I spend time with them because I am guilty of my duty being a daughter. I don't want to spend time with them because my conscience tells me to, I want to have the discipline to spend time with them.

Work

I dread going to work, I am so damn lazy. I know that nobody like to work, but at least they are responsible. Sometimes, I just stone at work or doze off because my right brain tells me to not give a fuck. I feel so bad because I feel bad, feel bad dozing off and not doing my job. I don't have the discipline of sleeping early and waking up early because it is my responsibility. Sometimes at work, I feel like shit too.

Money

I just can't save for fuck's sake.

Appearance

I know I'm fat, or maybe a better term, chubby. I want to go on a diet, I want to exercise because I know I am responsible for my body. I give up running and swimming after a week because it is too tedious. I tell myself that it is because I can't make time due to work to exercise. I tell myself that I can't find a buddy to run with. All these are bullshit, and it's just due to plain laziness. Because I ran myself today, after work, after hanging out with my friends. It is possible, but I'm lacking of the fucking discipline.

Suddenly, I feel so disappointed in myself.

I want to be better.

Will I?

Love,

Shihan