;

" I know that things will get better eventually because they always do, don't they? "

prologue.

"It came to a point where everything matters."

In every relationship, there will always be a point where happiness isn't the only element. Because when there's love, there will be concerns and expectations.

I always feel that as long as there isn't expectations, there won't be disappointments. I try as hard as possible to not give anyone around me any expectations so that I won't be disappointed. Apparently, I failed, failed really badly. Not only I got myself hurt, inevitably people around me are hurt as well. I don't know how to love, how to give everything up to love. Sometimes, I feel that I am very difficult to be with. I hope that I can be like girls who can sacrifice everything and be contented with whatever they have, as long as the one they love is around them. I also wish to be girls who can only think of marrying someone rich, so that they don't have to bother about working hard. I can't.

Not only do I have expectations for myself, I have expectations for my other half, my team members as well as colleagues. I am wired to behave and think this way.

Sucks to be me,

xoxo

PMS

I fucking hate PMS.

Makes me think about things, and most of the time, these things aren't gonna change.

This time, I thought about men.

Men who came into my life and left after a short while.

There was only one that stayed, one who stayed by me for these three years.

When I say stay, I'm not talking about constantly contacting, I'm talking about being so close by and I know I can turn to him anytime, anywhere.

Few days back, he was so angry with me that he left.

Left me all alone, not replying my messages nor answering my calls.

He spoke to me after awhile, telling me how angry he was.

I knew that I was at fault, all I could do is to apologise.

Then I thought of how desperate I was to keep him by my side.

Keeping the only man that stayed close by.

I hate this routine.

I hate that almost everyone come and go.

I hate that we will normally end up like strangers after awhile.

Those friends became acquaintance and acquaintance became strangers.

Usually, I'm the one moving on first.

They will be the one staying behind at the same spot, hoping.

But when they moves on, my heart aches, my heart aches looking at someone who is willing to do anything for me gone.

How selfish can I be, I always wondered.

I hate to see you move on.

I hate myself for hating seeing you moving on.

Sorry,

Shihan

Love?

Sometimes I can't help but think, in the current society, is dating comparable to being in a relationship?

Since, there are kissing and cuddling, then what defines a couple?

How do we actually know what are we even before the crucial question pops out?

How many of us really mean it when we say, I love you. & how can we define love from affection?

Personally, when I say that I love somebody, it actually comes with great responsibilities and commitments. Sometimes, I can't even bring myself to say these magical words, even to my other half.

I feel as if these words are being abused, it is so overly-used that it slowly loses its importance.

There are many elements that makes up a relationship and between these elements, there are countless grey zones that left people wondering. Affection & love, passion & lust, chemistry & feelings etc. So many grey zones that are so hard to define and inevitably drives us crazy. Whoever that said that status didn't matter must be a liar. People want to know and be acknowledged of their positions in another's heart.

The grey zones creates embarrassing moments and suspicions when one isn't acknowledged. they feel unimportant and unjust in circumstances. Imagine a scenario where you bumped into a friend with your un-sure other half, how are you supposed to introduce them as? A companion, fling, girlfriend or simply just friends?

• A companion - someone you feel attracted to and provides company.
• A fling - with or without feelings, but lust and pleasure is the only important element.
• A boyfriend - A guy that provides affection, love, passion and commitments.
• A friend - no feelings nor commitments, straight forward company.

Soemtimes, we are so overly obsessed with the status that we neglects our feelings towards each other. Quarrels and arguments arises from these uncertainties and we start feeling insecure. Was it because of the uncertainties, in security or was it just our selfishness that becomes our own obstacles? We evolves into these mindless beings in love in pursuit of what? If we can calm down and ask ourselves these questions, perhaps we could handle these uncertainties and choose the right, appropriate words with a clear state of mind.

These, if you are uncertain, ask. Ask in a correct manner without any clouds in your head to blur your perspective. If you choose the easier way out of not communicating at all, don't blame others for your insecurities. After asking, you will eventually get your answer, either physically or verbally, but before you get your answers, learn to guard to your heart.

Xoxo,

Shihan.

Me.

When I was on my way home alone, I thought of what kind of person I am.

I had the sudden urge to list it down and see how much of it is true.

I have mood swings sometimes.

I think a lot sometimes.

I pretend that I don't care sometimes.

I am chubby.

I try to increase my self-esteem constantly.

I do not love all the kids.

I love animals.

I like having the attention.

I like to be sweet talked sometimes.

I mean what I say to family and friends. (Only family & friends)

I stand firm on my principles.

I analyze people.

I fail to analyze situation sometimes.

I talk a little too much.

I am a little too friendly.

I am loyal to my friends and family.

I see what you are worth. (both materialistically and non)

I really stop giving chances when I go all out.

I try to be nice.

I am a little materialistic.

I am a little spoilt.

I don't give a fuck about people I don't like.

I sometimes ruin peoples' life.

I like watching the movie.

I like leaning on someone.

I like cuddling.

I enjoy kissing.

I am open-minded. (talk only)

I am conservative.

I get bored very soon.

I love to sleep.

I am lazy.

I procrastinate a little too much.

I like taking the short cuts.

I prefer to plan my time.

I hate having no plans.

I am semi-determined.

I like to have a little authority.

I like to be doted on.

I am slightly better inclined academic wise.

I know how to talk.

I like to make fun of people, unknowingly.

I feel insecure sometimes.

I adore pretty things.

I like things plain and simple.

I will still get jealous.

I am still a girl.

I am loud.

I love shoes.

I enjoy making jokes.

I enjoy making friends.

I will say if I feel uncomfortable.

& now I'm sleepy.

Regards,

Shihan.

Discipline.

I constantly feel like there is something lacking in my life.

I don't feel like a whole, it's like something is missing.

Initially, I thought that it was passion, but I figured out that I haven't started on my passion, and my passion would probably be my work and a part of me. I guess I shall just leave that to my future.

Then, I thought that it was love. Yes, I've met a whole lot of awesome guys, but it is not true that I set my standards too high, I just wanted to be appreciated and accepted. Apparently, it is so god damn hard. I came out with a conclusion that perhaps I'm looking at love at a very wrong time.

Now, I think that it is because of disciplinary issues. I can't be disciplined, cause when I line up my priorities, it seemed like I didn't exactly excel in anything. What's worse is everyone who know me well enough know that I'm lacking of fucking discipline.

1. Studies
2. Family
3. Work
4. Money
5. Appearance

Studies

I might have good results, but it's not up to my expectations yet, the time and effort that I put in to my studies are also not what I expect myself to. I go to class late, I skip school sometimes, I can't seemed to study when there is really a need to. I want a good grade and I know that I can, but it's just that I can't find the discipline to really do it.

Family

I want to spend time with my parents, I am very grateful towards them for tolerating such a wild child for so many years. Now that I am more sensible, the only thing I can do for them is making time for them. Yet, I always choose the easier way out. I feel like shit and sometimes when I do feel like shit, I spend time with them because I am guilty of my duty being a daughter. I don't want to spend time with them because my conscience tells me to, I want to have the discipline to spend time with them.

Work

I dread going to work, I am so damn lazy. I know that nobody like to work, but at least they are responsible. Sometimes, I just stone at work or doze off because my right brain tells me to not give a fuck. I feel so bad because I feel bad, feel bad dozing off and not doing my job. I don't have the discipline of sleeping early and waking up early because it is my responsibility. Sometimes at work, I feel like shit too.

Money

I just can't save for fuck's sake.

Appearance

I know I'm fat, or maybe a better term, chubby. I want to go on a diet, I want to exercise because I know I am responsible for my body. I give up running and swimming after a week because it is too tedious. I tell myself that it is because I can't make time due to work to exercise. I tell myself that I can't find a buddy to run with. All these are bullshit, and it's just due to plain laziness. Because I ran myself today, after work, after hanging out with my friends. It is possible, but I'm lacking of the fucking discipline.

Suddenly, I feel so disappointed in myself.

I want to be better.

Will I?

Love,

Shihan

Dedicated to yours truly.

EDIT: I'd like to apologise to anyone who're affected, I still love you guys. :) Just not being myself.

I've never wanted to admit. But yes, after I sort of ended things with X, I was heartbroken, really upset.

I thought that I just needed a day or two to pick myself up, thinking that I am fine after crying.

Bullshit. I did so many things that inevitably got myself hurt.

I hated people who wallow themselves in self-pity, especially after breaking up. Yet, I was the one who wallowed myself in self-pity. I am not going to talk about how I felt, because I'm sure that almost everyone around me knew what happened.

Today, I asked myself, why are you trying so hard? What are you trying to prove?

Then I realised, I wanted to prove that I am still wanted.

That's all. I know that there are so many people who love me but it was not enough. How ignorant can I get. In this short period of time, there was countless times where I had intentions of being the charming flirtatious me. Honestly, now that I look at myself, I don't think that I am charming at all. It's time that I pick myself up and move on. I don't want to continue hurting myself this way.

Moving on,

Shihan.