Dear diary

Have you ever loved.. ?

I don't know about you, but I did.

Today, it's a story about me.

Ask me, how many ex-boyfriends do I have.

I really have no idea, several flings, boyfriends, those men whom I thought I'd loved.

Many want to know the story of my own, many knew, it's a tragedy.

Ask me again, have I ever fell in love before?

Yes, I thought it was just once, and maybe the last.

During my younger days, boyfriends were like my essentials.

I'd give every one of them, everything possible, my heart, my mind, my soul.

As I learnt, how many fooled around, how many cheated on me, or even make me their laughing stock.

I once told myself, never to give up on myself, they're just lowlife bastards who cons you.

One day, I will make all of them regret, really regret.

I did, I lost weight, I learnt how to make up, I learnt almost everything to make myself pretty.

I used to be wearing thick make up, short mini skirts, with that flirtatious swinging hips, voluptuous figure and that pretty face. 

I thought that was what I wanted, alluring every single possible men, and kicking them away, like how Beckam would treat a football, of course not literally.

That was my revenge, however those happy moments didn't last long.

I felt guilty, I as if I was those lowlife bastards, who cheats on girls, breaks every possible promise. I wasn't happy, in fact, I was living in melancholy.

I knew I had to change, I knew I wasn't suitable for clubs, I was making my family worried sick.

All those skimpy dresses and skirts were removed from my wardrobe, shorts and jeans, t-shirts and sleeves-on blouses were my new love.

I had guys coming, some were really nice, and many would make girls fall for them.

They just weren't the right one.

Then, I met you.

The one I gave my love to, till now.

It wasn't the fairy tale sweet relationship, it also wasn't long enough for people to envy..

I'd forget how we get to know each other, and how we met.

Without realizing, we were together, I saw you, waiting for me under my block.

My cheeks flushed when the lift opened.

You were quiet and stern. I thought, you didn't like me..

We got on the bus, and when I was almost falling, you grabbed me tightly around my waist..

That was the sweetest thing anyone would do.

You didn't enjoy going out, thereby we'd spend most of our time around your house, meeting your usual friends, and stayed at your usual hang outs.

I remembered vividly when I went to study at your house, I was wearing your oversized t-shirt, lying on the bed studying diligently, making sure of every single details.

You continued with your games, not disturbing me.

Then suddenly you carried me up, looking deep into my eyes, and I laid on your mat placed on the floor.

You switched off your lights, and the room became so dim, only minimal sunlight was able to enter through your curtains.

You caressed my face and told me, you'd often be in this environment, this position, talking to me on the phone, and when I was sleeping, you'd be lying here, thinking of every single smile of mine.

I'd never used to believe all these, except for yours.

I could still remember every gentle touch of yours, till now.

Although details seemed very vague to me now, your face still lingers in my visions and your voice echos in my ears.

You left eventually, like every single one of them.

You would never speak to me again, I apprehend.

After you left, I could not bring myself to be in love again.

I was afraid of committing, I couldn't bring myself to believe anymore.

I didn't want to be guilty of heart breaking any further either.

It was the best if I stayed this way..

Till the day, I'd learnt to stand up, by myself..

Be independent, without worries and fears.

I will love, just one day.

This is my story, my love did not last only those days with him, up till now, I believe I still does.

What about yours?

Have you ever loved?