Dear diary

I want to be down to earth and being able to face the reality.

I'm sick of pretending to be someone that I'm not.

Allow me to do so please. ♥

Those vivid memories,

I don't know what's happening.

Thursday, reached home at around 11. Upon texting him up, we were seriously talking about our relationship for the very first time.
He feels guilty towards her. He wanna be alone and go ahead leading on his own life.
Without me, nor her.
I was confused, I didn't understand the reason. I tried lying to myself that everything will be fine.
It'll just gonna be awhile, after a good night sleep it'll be fine..
Then I told him that I'll be sleeping, & we'll talk about that tomorrow face to face when we meets up. I went to find chen, pouring out my sorrows. I held back my tears upon him ensuring me for countless times that everything'll be fine.. "He's just unsure, go sleep & tomorrow will be fine."
I tried reading the texts of history in the notes. They all seemed like black bold line. I can't seemed to figure it out whats all that. Finally, I broke into tears, crying to myself.
Then alex called, for a moment, I thought I'm fine since I'm talking to him normally, & the ache wasn't there. Then chen called, I could still laugh to his joke. I really thought I was fine.
After hanging up, I light up a cigg and sat in the toilet, trying to figure out a reason & a solution.
I thought, "maybe he was just confused, their relationship was unstable & since, shihan was there showing him love and care, he thought he loved her."
Then, I tried to make myself to sleep, I turned & rowed. & did whatsoever that I could, for one hour.. I guess, I'm really tired, & finally fell asleep.
Friday was th worse day ever. Waking up at 8, skipped the paper since I'm sick & I seriously couldn't remember any single shit. I went to prepare and stuff, till near 10, I went out, to visit a doctor. The clinic was packed, & the nurses' are seriously slow! After near one hour of waiting, I consulted the doctor, had my medicine, & due to their negligence they had printed my Mc wrongly, & she asked me to wait again.
I sat down, texting chen, & finally after a bloody long ½ hour I finally got my Mc.
Then, went to take train all the way to bedok.
Ben actually asked me to call him upon reaching, but I didn't cause I got to know from chen that they reached home at around 6 in the morning. Didn't wanna disturb his sleep.
Since, chen ends his school at 12.30 I'd decided to wait for him. I reached bedok at around 12 then waited and waited. till around 1, Yongwei came and kept me accompany till Chen called.
Went to 56 to meet him, gosh, when he reached it's 2!
I was teasing him all the way, trying to hint how long he took.
Went to cf after that, slacked for awhile while waiting & I called him.
He was sleepy, he said he'll be coming down so I waited. & waited. Upon reaching, he met up with Gib & went to get their pay together.
Waited again, till around 6 then he came back.
I was glad to see him, but we didn't talk much.
He didn't really bother me. He was too busy with himself and his friend.
finally till around midnight, he was worse. He totally, treat me as if I'm invisible.
I didn't know what was wrong.
I wanted a talk with him. I asked him out, & we had a talk.
I kept asking him countless of questions, I kept forcing him to speak.
Finally he spoke.
He asked " will you respect my decision? will you believe if I say I only love myself? "
Then, " we shall be good friends alright? " I nodded my head. & started tearing.
However strong I was, I'm still vulnerable deep down.
Then I threw my temper, I didn't know why, I was so angry.
Not at him, but myself. Throughout the whole relationship, whenever I'm angry, I'll be angry with myself. I know that's not very like me. I didn't know why either.
I threw my phone upon the numeral calls made that seriously got up on my nerves.
I continue crying.. & crying. He went to pick my phone back, telling me not to cry.
Suddenly, I felt like I should just let him go since I'd promised to respect his desicions..
I wanted to take my phone from him, I gave him a smile to assure him that I'm fine, he knew I wasn't but how possible could I be fine?
I didn't care much, I went to cf and got my bag and just walk across the road, telling him that I'll go home alone. He didn't want. He said we'll be back together. I told him, I'm fine. I'm really fine.. I just wanna be alone. I didn't wanna cab home, I just wanna be alone. He asked me not to be like this, I told him I'll be fine, I'll go home after that. He didn't allowed me to. Then, I wanted to get my card & leave after that, I said I'll be at the bustop waiting for him, he was so worried.
He brought me over to get my card.
After getting my card, I called home & had a fucking big quarrel with that unreasonable woman. I don't bloody understand why can't she just bloody give me some space for my own.
I'm sick & tired of being the puppet of everyone, doing things for people around me, faking that stupid fucking smile & act like Im-So-Mean, & as if nothing bloody fucking hurts me.
For 3 whole year, I had been doing that & I only turn in to a few people when I'm seriously down. That's what I'd been doing. I'm so sick of it.
Upon the call, he hugged me and tell me we'll be fine. Telling me that.. we'll be together.

I'd just alt tabbed to Msn, his nick was no longer the same.

Peiwei, I think we shall be friends. I don't wanna see you like that, I don't wanna force you.
I know you don't wanna see me like that, I promise I'll be fine kay? Don't hurt yourself silly.
Don't worry about me, I'm a big girl. go ahead lead your own life & remember never to hurt yourself. I'm sorry to be unreasonable at times. I'm really fine, I'll let go.

I'm sorry mum,

Peiwei, I still wish you all the best.