After some time.

It's been really long since I had the feeling to say something, but don't know whom to speak to.
Almost forgotten about this space.
Past six months was another turning point for me.
I haven't been alone for so long, lost a lot of people around me.
Be it intentionally or unintentionally.
Now that I have a clear mind of what I want, I see more clearly.
I don't wish to have anything to pull me down and everyday I hope to do something new, to learn something.
Faced a lot of setbacks, came across the ugliest characters, I've failed my judgement so many times just to experience the harsh truths about this world.
I'm convinced, I'm not really that good, neither am I special in a way that I don't have to work my way up.
Whatever that I've achieved till date, it's not good enough.
Constantly telling myself to push past limits, cutting people loose, I guess I did gain something out of it, but I too lost some precious parts of myself.
Next 6 months will be a fulfilling period of my life, I promise.
It has to be.

In order to attain something in life, there's so much that we have to compromise.
I am independent but yet I'm not used to being alone, I don't wish to get used to it.
Loneliness is a real pain in the ass, but I'm glad that I can survive my own.
I want to have a companion who share the same interests, similar mindsets and big dreams.
He don't necessary have to be my partner, a friend, just someone close by that I could fall back on sometimes.
Going for dinner, running personal errands together, talk about anything that comes, exploring new places, taking pictures of me smiling and appreciates me.
This is all I ask for, yet it's so hard to find.
I guess people like me are too busy running towards their dreams, unlike me still stuck in this situation, trying to make something out of nothing.
I need to buck up, two more months, and my world will be like theirs.
Stop cutting yourself slack, you had enough rest since the last breakdown.
Be strong, be Aphrodite.

Xoxo

Yet another failed relationship

I'm so used to people leaving my side, blaming me even when it's not exactly my fault.

In this situation, I believe that nobody is at fault, just that we have different goals in life and different perspective.

I'm sorry that it ended this way but really, is there a need to rant it online?

Don't worry, you have friends who will support you no matter what you do.

You don't have to make it so clear.

To me, a relationship is about two person and there is absolutely no need to involve other parties.

I'm not saying that you can't confide in your friends, but making it so public.

Is there really a need?

Can't we be like adults and just leave it behind us?

I'm upset, of course I am, but I know that I have to move on.

I just wish you all the best and that you could move on too.

It was nice knowing and once loved you, but I guess it's the end for now.

Take care.

Ego

I'm sure that among everybody there are bound to be suckers who constantly feed their ego, complimenting themselves and just keep undermining others to make themselves feel more superior.

I've noticed that there's this problem among many guys, they like to make themselves sound so much better than they really are and they have forgotten the main principle in a modern relationship, "girls are meant to be taken care of, loved and pampered, not the other way round."

These guys like to shower themselves with compliments that are not necessary true and constantly undermine their other half.

Modern girls are no longer girls who stay at home waiting for their husbands to get home and make dinner, much less for couples who are not even married yet.

Treat us with respect and compliments that we deserve, not just occasional “I love you(s)”

Unless the following situations, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t show more love for your girl:

1. She’s so fat & ugly that you are the last person in the earth that will ever want her.

2. She has no education, experience nor knowledge or any skills to survive without you.

3. You are so damn good that no girl in the world would ever want to lose you (but then again, if you’re that good, you wouldn’t treat a girl this way)

There are so many more reasons why you should treat your partner better, but understand that nobody will die just because they don’t have you. There are infinite opportunities and alternative for one person, don’t be eaten up by your ego.

There will be a day when she realized that you don’t even really give a fuck for her, but only yourself. That’s the last straw for your girl; she will turn her head against you and never turn back.

You always think to yourself, why girls that will stick with you and bear with your ego without feeling affected are always those stupid or ugly ones, and why those girls that you try so hard to get and win just can’t bear with your constant narcissism. Simply put, girls who have brain, looks and everything don’t like to be undermined, they would bear with it for once or twice but soon enough, she will be done with giving in, with the constant feeling of being inferior cause she knows that she deserve so much more and that you do not deserve her at all for you have no knowledge of how to treat a girl proper.

If you really love and care for someone, do something, show that you care. Don’t give up things and people that are so important to you and will make a great difference in your life just because of your ego. Ego is nothing but something that you tell yourself, something that blocks your logical thinking and feeding it will just make you lose so much in life.

2011

I know that I haven't been exactly a nice person, thus people may see me as a friend that is very hard to accommodate. I'm trying, and learning to be a better person.

Truth is, I'm very insecure, so damn insecure that I need to let people perceive that I'm actually very confident and sometimes, it may be seemed as arrogance.

I want to be a more accommodating person, someone whom you’d want to be with. It’s those insecurities that are fucking up my head.

Losing it.

I'm losing myself day by day.

I feel more and more inferior as day pass.

I don't know who I am and what I want anymore.

It's sad to know that I'm not important in anyone's life like how I did before.

It's sad to know that I'm all alone.

I'm killing myself in within.

Moments of happiness just suddenly got taken over by sadness.

There's no more energy left in me.

Just this small amount of hope that's slowly thinning away.

Why?

I'm working hard, so hard on things that I want.

I didn't used to have to work for anything but now, even when I'm trying my best, I can't have anything.

Society gave up on people who don't work for anything, but why me?

I'm doing my best in every single detail that I could.

Yet I'm not achieving or getting anything?

I hate that these scary thoughts keep intruding my head.

I'm in no control of my life.

Loneliness is eating me up.

Sadness sheltering me.

Every morning, waking up to that blanket of dullness.

It's overwhelming, yet nobody could do anything to lose it.

I can't do anything to leave it.

Hurtful words echoing in my head, constantly feeling like giving up.

Life is so weird, it gives you things when you have everything.

You get complacent and start taking things for granted.

Slowly, you loses everything and when you begged and chase for things that you used to have..

They becomes like dreams, so far away that you feel so tired chasing.

Asking yourself, when can I get to my destination?

When will I get myself back?

& eventually, you gave up trying, giving things up and ends up having regrets in life.

I can't move on, I'm stucked, with trembling limbs not knowing what to do or who to turn to.

What's left of me?

Dilemma

My mind has been fucking with me.

Just when I thought there was nothing, just when I thought we were gone.

What was that? Is it me that you're talking about?

I've been missing people from my past so much, I've been thinking about this past year almost everyday.

All the wrong doings, pain, hurt.

I don't want the same thing to happen.

It's not fair.

This is not a way to live my life, but what should I do.

Who should I turn to.

I want to go to you, but I asked myself, "then what?"

What else?

What will we be to each other.

What am I to you.

What are you to me.

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Why, why is it that you pushed me till the edge and now you grabbed me so hard trying to pull me up.

Am I supposed to hold those pair of hands?

Will I be tortured more if I got up?

If I would be, I'd rather fall..

5th month, not so happy afterall.

I'd always thought that I was a very good girlfriend.

Always understanding, not easily jealous and I treat him like no other.

But after these five months spending together, I don't know.

I really don't.

I'm like a mother spoiling a child.