Misunderstood.

All these years of being accused, wronged and misunderstood, I've never felt any urge like this to justify myself because I didn't find the need to. Often, my intentions came untold and assumptions were made.
Why did I swallow all these grievances? Did I have to allow others to label me as that?

No. I don't deserve that and nobody does.

Sadly, the world we're in doesn't believe in justice nor sorting out the truth, most the time what we see is on the surface. Judgement were made from what we've heard and presumed.

Today, I would like to redeem myself and explain them so the world could understand.

Heart Breaker

Often, friends around me find me a fussy person to be in a relationship with. They assumed that I've got high expectations of my other half. Some even described "him" to be impossibly wealthy or handsome. Truth is, none of my boyfriends were half that eligible. They weren't because I'm not as fussy as I may seem to be. They have their flaws, shortcomings and insecurities. I've accepted that all these were part of the package. Why did I manage to break so many hearts? Not because I've enjoyed it, neither was I the "cold-blooded" alien that I may portray to be.. Most the time it hurt me as much as it hurt them. However, I was the villain because I spoke up, I highlighted our differences and the obvious cracks in our relationships. Then I'm being accused and labelled, time after time. Look, it did hurt, and the worst part was I can't look back at the person that I used to love, telling them how sorry I was. I can't describe the agony I was in because "I brought it upon myself". I was the cause.

Have you ever tried leaving someone you loved, there, shattered and yet you refused to turn back because you know how hard it would be for him/her to move on? Because you know, it is what you should do if you really do care about them. Taking responsibility of the consequences behind your actions and what people would label you as. No matter what they say, you know you need to swallow all your explanations because they would never understand.

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Feelings

Today, I've caught myself in a sudden outburst, something that haven't exactly happened to me for a very, very long time. I've caught a glimpse of weakness within myself, I don't fancy this feeling at all. Irony to this, a dear friend commented that I was like 'a robot', someone who seems impossible to feel.

Cause of the outburst - No one in particular, just something that triggered me. So I was having an intense conversation with a friend, someone whom was attracted to me, and honestly, I was a little attracted to. Knowing my incapability to commit or care, we've decided to stay just as friends. Apparently, he had gone through a hard time and wanted some form of affection (or care) from someone. I happened to be the 'someone'. However, I was not in position to care due to overwhelming workloads and crazy melodramatic events that happened recently. He reminded me of myself, a lonely and sometimes, needy person. Now why is this related to my sudden outburst? I was/am in his position. Lonely and needy, caught in critical situations where it's out of my control. I hate it. I should probably admit that I can be a control freak, or I am a control freak. Such circumstances just make me.. Upset? Upset that I am not able to do anything to change it, as much as I want it to. What was worse was, due to all these fucked-up events and workloads, I had to dump all these negative vibes into this empty dark room behind my head. Shutting it as tight as possible, cause I can't afford to be affected by it. I didn't turn to anyone, didn't share shit or find comfort any where. I couldn't even find time to spend with myself.

What made me break - I wouldn't exactly say that I broke down, but what happened was I was so furious that I couldn't hold back my tears. I was just so pissed off that someone had the audacity to request time and affection from me, when I can't even give it to myself. Yes, I may seemed selfish, but I'm human. Apart from locking up my emotions and feelings, I have that limited time and capabilities. With so many things on hand, it was too much to handle. Look, it's not how I want myself to be. Cold, heartless and being a control freak. I have to be like that, I am wired to be like that. I want to be happy, normal, emotional as well, but I can't. I just have too much expectations and responsibilities currently (or maybe in the future) to let all these affect me. Life has too much grey zones, and I try as hard as I could to find a clear line. A line between white and black, yes or no. I have no time to beat around the bush, and so limited time that I could spend with people I care due to all the never ending duties I'm facing. We've agreed to be friends, and I am honestly not obliged to present anything for you. If I did, I probably have extra time and I could cope with myself and it's really a bonus for you. Just because I have my responsibilities and priorities, doesn't mean that I don't give a shit.

It's just really hard for me to express how I feel due to all the emotions being locked up in one place. There are always pros and cons to stuffs. Pros - I need not feel hurt, pain, sadness or anything negative. Cons - I lose the ability to appear 'human', to feel, to express myself. Remember this, there will never be best of both worlds and these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make for myself. Before calling me heartless and selfish, think of the situation I'm in and all the shit that I have to solve. I don't want to be like that, but I have to. I don't wish to be affected by emotions and fail like how I did in the past. Regardless of not being able to feel, I still am able to care. By showing how I care, the occasional texts, calls, dinners, movies, hanging out or just a simple 'how are you?'. This is how I am able to care, and it is the most I can give. Again, unless I have less things on hands and I have the spare time. Many times, I've sacrificed time to spend with myself, to spend with people I care for. Yes, I don't express it in words, but I do, by actions. Don't judge that I'm selfish and heartless just because I'm independent and strong. I wish that I could have more time, I wish that there isn't so much drama going on. I wished that I am not alone. But I am, and I just have to suck it up, be strong, and do what I need to do.

X

After some time.

It's been really long since I had the feeling to say something, but don't know whom to speak to.
Almost forgotten about this space.
Past six months was another turning point for me.
I haven't been alone for so long, lost a lot of people around me.
Be it intentionally or unintentionally.
Now that I have a clear mind of what I want, I see more clearly.
I don't wish to have anything to pull me down and everyday I hope to do something new, to learn something.
Faced a lot of setbacks, came across the ugliest characters, I've failed my judgement so many times just to experience the harsh truths about this world.
I'm convinced, I'm not really that good, neither am I special in a way that I don't have to work my way up.
Whatever that I've achieved till date, it's not good enough.
Constantly telling myself to push past limits, cutting people loose, I guess I did gain something out of it, but I too lost some precious parts of myself.
Next 6 months will be a fulfilling period of my life, I promise.
It has to be.

In order to attain something in life, there's so much that we have to compromise.
I am independent but yet I'm not used to being alone, I don't wish to get used to it.
Loneliness is a real pain in the ass, but I'm glad that I can survive my own.
I want to have a companion who share the same interests, similar mindsets and big dreams.
He don't necessary have to be my partner, a friend, just someone close by that I could fall back on sometimes.
Going for dinner, running personal errands together, talk about anything that comes, exploring new places, taking pictures of me smiling and appreciates me.
This is all I ask for, yet it's so hard to find.
I guess people like me are too busy running towards their dreams, unlike me still stuck in this situation, trying to make something out of nothing.
I need to buck up, two more months, and my world will be like theirs.
Stop cutting yourself slack, you had enough rest since the last breakdown.
Be strong, be Aphrodite.

Xoxo

Yet another failed relationship

I'm so used to people leaving my side, blaming me even when it's not exactly my fault.

In this situation, I believe that nobody is at fault, just that we have different goals in life and different perspective.

I'm sorry that it ended this way but really, is there a need to rant it online?

Don't worry, you have friends who will support you no matter what you do.

You don't have to make it so clear.

To me, a relationship is about two person and there is absolutely no need to involve other parties.

I'm not saying that you can't confide in your friends, but making it so public.

Is there really a need?

Can't we be like adults and just leave it behind us?

I'm upset, of course I am, but I know that I have to move on.

I just wish you all the best and that you could move on too.

It was nice knowing and once loved you, but I guess it's the end for now.

Take care.