Trust

Trust

You interact with people all the time, no matter strangers, your friends, your families or your loved ones. At some point of time, through the interactions, you see certain action or statement from them and you'd think to yourself, "to trust or not to trust?". Because one fact that we know, every single human being is prone to lying. Lying to one and another is an inevitable action due to how our minds work. We might lie for our own benefit or lie cause we care about how the other party feel. Whatever it is, a lie, will still be a lie.

Sometimes, when you're being lied to, you feel hurt. Actually, most of the time. My point is, in this world and society, we are prone to meet liars who will hurt us as long as we input our trust in them. So, you might say, I will be less prone into getting hurt if I don't trust people. In my opinion, that's a foolish thinking. I used to trust people a lot, hell lot. Often, I get hurt by faggots who lie even without blinking. I started to stop trusting people but soon I realised, perhaps superficially I have friends, a lot of friends. But, I feel lonely all the time, cause I don't even trust anybody, even my best friends. I doubt people, and arguments and quarrels will eventually arises. I only trusted and believed in myself. But I wasn't happy, even though I didn't get hurt. I felt like I was in an enclosed box, with nobody but myself. I couldn't tell anyone my problems, I have only myself. Eventually, I felt that I was tearing apart. Nobody could handle loneliness for long, even the strongest person in the world.

It was when I realised and in fact, wanted to trust people, wanted to be more prone to being hurt. I didn't feel normal at all because I was lonely, real lonely inside. I went out, met new people and begin to trust them. To me, it's either you have trust in someone or you don't have. There's no such thing as half trusting. Half trusting is just as good as no trust; It's a chore to doubt somebody, to think if they are sincere or their motive behind it etc. You won't feel happy at all and what's worse, you wouldn't even be true to yourself or the other person. As long as I care for you, whatever you do I will be affected. But I've decide to put my trust in people whom I care cause I am sick of doubting people, I will give every one I care my 100% trust. Some of you might find me foolish, but I think it's an easier way to see things. I would rather being hurt by someone occasionally, than doubting someone and inevitably hurt myself daily.

Like I've said earlier, being hurt is one of the process of growing up. It doesn't give you an excuse to not trust people. It doesn't mean that you'd be happier. Because constantly, you will be hurting yourself in the process of doubting someone, people that you love and care for. For an example, when you eat, theres a possibility of getting choke. But you can't let choking to be an excuse for you to not eat. You have to eat, to fill your stomach, to feel satisfied. Similarly, when you trust, there's a possibility of getting hurt. But you can't let being hurt to be an excuse for you to not trust. You have to trust, for the sake of yourself and your loved ones. For yourself to feel satisfied and happy.

Although, we live in a superficial world, it doesn't mean that nothing is true in this world. There are things and people who are true and real. People who truly loves you. Learn to trust and appreciate them. You'd see yourself a happier person, and people around you will also feel more comfortable without the barrier in between. Don't be afraid of getting hurt, it's a part and parcel of life, and your loved ones whom you trust will be there. It will only strengthen bonds and your mentality. Remember, there's two sides of everything. Being hurt might not be all that negative after all.

Mummy's

Sam wore pink today. She swore not to last night on the phone.

I told her I was going to wear my pink dress today, my only pink dress, because my boyfriend gave it to me. Typical Sam, always trying to steal the limelight.

Me and Sam,we've been best friends since third grade. We're such good friends that I can't ever stay angey with her. I do believe she doesn't do these things on purpose to anger me, perhaps she just wants more attention. Growing up with her, she'd always been my shadow.

People stare at me, people glance at her. If I got fifteen second stares, she got two second looks.

It wasn't that she's ugly or that I'm prettier. I never thought that way. Till present I haven't quite figured out why.

My name is Ariel, I'm seventeen and I'm on the debate team. Sam's a cheerleader.

I remember once when we were twelve, my parents brought us out to the carnival together, she was wearing a bright, very beautiful, yellow dress and I was wearing only shorts and a T-shirt which said "I heart Mommy". There was something about that day I'll never forget.

She had all the attention anyone would desire, and she was loving it. She skipped around and she was the happiest person on Earth, that very day I never thought much of it, I mean, I was twelve, what would I know? But I never forget that day, for some reason.

Thinking back now, I finally understood.

It wasn't the attention, not then, not now. It was, and still is, something else. It took me five years to finally realize this. This simple, innocent desire of her's.

You see, Sam lost her Mom when she was really young, and her Dad is barely home. She spends most of her days with her maid, who barely speaks English.

Everything that she did, although seemingly because she wanted more looks than me or anyone else, was only because she wanted something she was never able to get.

Not more looks. Just one.

She got more than she bargained for, that day at the carnival, when people looked at her with their heads tilted saying "aww.." I call it the-mom-look. The look that said, "That's my daughter, I love her" with a big smile on top

Why?

" We fear the rejection, want the attention, crave for affection and dream of perfection."

Gina

You once told me that you'll never leave me, never hurt me like how he did. I guess I was wrong about you, you did the exact same thing to me. However, this time round, you didn't even tell me the reasons why. Why did you betray me and my trust like he did?

We were so in love last summer, high school was over and now it was time for college. It was then I started talking to you, and you were so nice. Perhaps like any guy who wanted to hook me up but I was blinded by love. You were tall, so well built and gave me all the securities that I needed. Your hands were so big, and every time you held my hands, I felt like I was a little princess who was protected and pampered with overwhelming love and care. You told me that I meant the world to you, and you were glad that you knew me. You'd come by after lessons, just to have lunch with me. You would come all the way from your school during rainy days to pass me your jacket, cause you fear that I'd catch a cold. You accompany me to everywhere I wanted. You were so sweet, honey, so nice that I couldn't help but take you for granted. I was an asshole for doing so. I know, and I'm really sorry.

It was the happiest moments of my life, but those happiness didn't last long. I had many suitors, and I liked the attention. I started dating other guys and I thought it was alright since we were not exactly in a relationship. I admit that it was my fault, I was being fickle. I took my chances, I was actually acting like a total jerk. You tried giving in, pretending that it was fine. Deluding yourself that I still belong to you. Time after time, it was your last straw when you realized I wasn't giving you the attention you wanted. One day, you couldn't take it and confronted me. Being selfish, I wanted everything, the presents, love, care, attention from every single one of you. I lied, again and again. You expose me every now and then, I feel guilty. So guilty within me, perhaps I really loved you, thus I've decided to leave. I'm tired of the games, I just want my life back. I was losing myself, I was even deluding myself. I told you that I can't be in a relationship. I wasn't suited to be in one. I wanted to be friends. I knew I couldn't commit into a relationship. I wanted to fool around. You had no choice but to respect my selfish decision. You were holding on, but bit by bit as the day passed, as I continued with my selfish acts, we drifted apart. We no longer confide in each other like how we used to. I fooled around, studied like mad just to forget you, forget how everything used to be.

I missed you so badly sweetheart, I couldn't take it any longer. I needed to see you, hear your voice, and even touch you. I hate the fact that we're no longer talking to each other. I hate the fact that you're talking about other girls in your facebook. I still wanted to be part of your life, knowing how you're doing every now and then. You're still very important to me. I know that I'm spoilt and it annoys you. I couldn't put down my pride to speak to you. But I really appreciate you. I care for you, I want to show you and I hate that you're pushing me away. For the past few months, I missed you so much, I want you to be close by and knowing that you'll always be by my side. My wish came true after telling you how I felt. I was so glad, so god damned happy that I was blinded by it. We were spending time together and I was putting in efforts to build back the bond between us. You just left me suddenly, it was so abrupt. I didn't know what went wrong, I don't know why did you come back. Was it for revenge for what I did? You didn't even give me a fucking chance to explain to you, cause you didn't say shit to me! You didn't tell me why, you just came up with a stupid excuse that you have a new girlfriend. Fuck that. It's just bullshit. I know it is all bullshit. Tell me that we're unsuitable. You gave me avalanche of excuses. Tell me something I don't already know. You're so predictable Zavier. So god damned predictable that I know you're lying. Why wouldn't you tell me the truth already? I'm trying to change, give me the chance that I deserve. You can't just leave. You should be responsible. Or was I wrong? You're just like any other guy.

Truth is, you've never forgotten me. You didn't want to do this, but you can't tell me why. - I know I'm being delusional. But I really want you back, I hate to think that you're acting like him. Leaving me just like that. I'm destroyed within. Everything that I painstakingly built up is crashed. You're ignoring my texts. I just doesn't matter anymore isn't it?

Zavier

It is not true that I do not care. I love you so much that I'm being paranoid and thinking about what you're doing, going out with whoever, being pissed after looking at your pictures taken with other guys and reading your text messages. I had a very hard time, I thought that you'd be mad at me and stop reaching out and trying. So that I could forget you. At first, after the few months, the efforts of me trying to forget you was showing. I could lead the life that I used to have, but when you came back for me. Everything that I tried was destroyed. I fell deeper. I started thinking about you every day and night. I was jealous over every single guy that you told me about. I hated myself for being like that. I didn't want to suffocate you. I know that you don't want to be in a relationship. I didn't want to force you. I wanted to leave, even if its being hated by you. I'd rather be hated than to hurt you.

p.s. I'm sorry if this is shitty, trying to come up with new stories and new ways to express myself. Haven't done this in a long time. Hope that you'd enjoy.

Long update, super duper lots of pictures!

Update of pictures :) ♥
Pictures from like my birthday.
Other pictures in other memory card, can't find. :(

Tim's birthday :)

Birthday celebration for Randy, Eileen and myself with lovelies and Benji. :)

Thank you guys.

Prawning :)

Steamboat at Joanne's house :)

My birthday & pre-birthday celebration :)