Misunderstood.

All these years of being accused, wronged and misunderstood, I've never felt any urge like this to justify myself because I didn't find the need to. Often, my intentions came untold and assumptions were made.
Why did I swallow all these grievances? Did I have to allow others to label me as that?

No. I don't deserve that and nobody does.

Sadly, the world we're in doesn't believe in justice nor sorting out the truth, most the time what we see is on the surface. Judgement were made from what we've heard and presumed.

Today, I would like to redeem myself and explain them so the world could understand.

Heart Breaker

Often, friends around me find me a fussy person to be in a relationship with. They assumed that I've got high expectations of my other half. Some even described "him" to be impossibly wealthy or handsome. Truth is, none of my boyfriends were half that eligible. They weren't because I'm not as fussy as I may seem to be. They have their flaws, shortcomings and insecurities. I've accepted that all these were part of the package. Why did I manage to break so many hearts? Not because I've enjoyed it, neither was I the "cold-blooded" alien that I may portray to be.. Most the time it hurt me as much as it hurt them. However, I was the villain because I spoke up, I highlighted our differences and the obvious cracks in our relationships. Then I'm being accused and labelled, time after time. Look, it did hurt, and the worst part was I can't look back at the person that I used to love, telling them how sorry I was. I can't describe the agony I was in because "I brought it upon myself". I was the cause.

Have you ever tried leaving someone you loved, there, shattered and yet you refused to turn back because you know how hard it would be for him/her to move on? Because you know, it is what you should do if you really do care about them. Taking responsibility of the consequences behind your actions and what people would label you as. No matter what they say, you know you need to swallow all your explanations because they would never understand.

-

Feelings

Today, I've caught myself in a sudden outburst, something that haven't exactly happened to me for a very, very long time. I've caught a glimpse of weakness within myself, I don't fancy this feeling at all. Irony to this, a dear friend commented that I was like 'a robot', someone who seems impossible to feel.

Cause of the outburst - No one in particular, just something that triggered me. So I was having an intense conversation with a friend, someone whom was attracted to me, and honestly, I was a little attracted to. Knowing my incapability to commit or care, we've decided to stay just as friends. Apparently, he had gone through a hard time and wanted some form of affection (or care) from someone. I happened to be the 'someone'. However, I was not in position to care due to overwhelming workloads and crazy melodramatic events that happened recently. He reminded me of myself, a lonely and sometimes, needy person. Now why is this related to my sudden outburst? I was/am in his position. Lonely and needy, caught in critical situations where it's out of my control. I hate it. I should probably admit that I can be a control freak, or I am a control freak. Such circumstances just make me.. Upset? Upset that I am not able to do anything to change it, as much as I want it to. What was worse was, due to all these fucked-up events and workloads, I had to dump all these negative vibes into this empty dark room behind my head. Shutting it as tight as possible, cause I can't afford to be affected by it. I didn't turn to anyone, didn't share shit or find comfort any where. I couldn't even find time to spend with myself.

What made me break - I wouldn't exactly say that I broke down, but what happened was I was so furious that I couldn't hold back my tears. I was just so pissed off that someone had the audacity to request time and affection from me, when I can't even give it to myself. Yes, I may seemed selfish, but I'm human. Apart from locking up my emotions and feelings, I have that limited time and capabilities. With so many things on hand, it was too much to handle. Look, it's not how I want myself to be. Cold, heartless and being a control freak. I have to be like that, I am wired to be like that. I want to be happy, normal, emotional as well, but I can't. I just have too much expectations and responsibilities currently (or maybe in the future) to let all these affect me. Life has too much grey zones, and I try as hard as I could to find a clear line. A line between white and black, yes or no. I have no time to beat around the bush, and so limited time that I could spend with people I care due to all the never ending duties I'm facing. We've agreed to be friends, and I am honestly not obliged to present anything for you. If I did, I probably have extra time and I could cope with myself and it's really a bonus for you. Just because I have my responsibilities and priorities, doesn't mean that I don't give a shit.

It's just really hard for me to express how I feel due to all the emotions being locked up in one place. There are always pros and cons to stuffs. Pros - I need not feel hurt, pain, sadness or anything negative. Cons - I lose the ability to appear 'human', to feel, to express myself. Remember this, there will never be best of both worlds and these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make for myself. Before calling me heartless and selfish, think of the situation I'm in and all the shit that I have to solve. I don't want to be like that, but I have to. I don't wish to be affected by emotions and fail like how I did in the past. Regardless of not being able to feel, I still am able to care. By showing how I care, the occasional texts, calls, dinners, movies, hanging out or just a simple 'how are you?'. This is how I am able to care, and it is the most I can give. Again, unless I have less things on hands and I have the spare time. Many times, I've sacrificed time to spend with myself, to spend with people I care for. Yes, I don't express it in words, but I do, by actions. Don't judge that I'm selfish and heartless just because I'm independent and strong. I wish that I could have more time, I wish that there isn't so much drama going on. I wished that I am not alone. But I am, and I just have to suck it up, be strong, and do what I need to do.

X

After some time.

It's been really long since I had the feeling to say something, but don't know whom to speak to.
Almost forgotten about this space.
Past six months was another turning point for me.
I haven't been alone for so long, lost a lot of people around me.
Be it intentionally or unintentionally.
Now that I have a clear mind of what I want, I see more clearly.
I don't wish to have anything to pull me down and everyday I hope to do something new, to learn something.
Faced a lot of setbacks, came across the ugliest characters, I've failed my judgement so many times just to experience the harsh truths about this world.
I'm convinced, I'm not really that good, neither am I special in a way that I don't have to work my way up.
Whatever that I've achieved till date, it's not good enough.
Constantly telling myself to push past limits, cutting people loose, I guess I did gain something out of it, but I too lost some precious parts of myself.
Next 6 months will be a fulfilling period of my life, I promise.
It has to be.

In order to attain something in life, there's so much that we have to compromise.
I am independent but yet I'm not used to being alone, I don't wish to get used to it.
Loneliness is a real pain in the ass, but I'm glad that I can survive my own.
I want to have a companion who share the same interests, similar mindsets and big dreams.
He don't necessary have to be my partner, a friend, just someone close by that I could fall back on sometimes.
Going for dinner, running personal errands together, talk about anything that comes, exploring new places, taking pictures of me smiling and appreciates me.
This is all I ask for, yet it's so hard to find.
I guess people like me are too busy running towards their dreams, unlike me still stuck in this situation, trying to make something out of nothing.
I need to buck up, two more months, and my world will be like theirs.
Stop cutting yourself slack, you had enough rest since the last breakdown.
Be strong, be Aphrodite.

Xoxo

Yet another failed relationship

I'm so used to people leaving my side, blaming me even when it's not exactly my fault.

In this situation, I believe that nobody is at fault, just that we have different goals in life and different perspective.

I'm sorry that it ended this way but really, is there a need to rant it online?

Don't worry, you have friends who will support you no matter what you do.

You don't have to make it so clear.

To me, a relationship is about two person and there is absolutely no need to involve other parties.

I'm not saying that you can't confide in your friends, but making it so public.

Is there really a need?

Can't we be like adults and just leave it behind us?

I'm upset, of course I am, but I know that I have to move on.

I just wish you all the best and that you could move on too.

It was nice knowing and once loved you, but I guess it's the end for now.

Take care.

Ego

I'm sure that among everybody there are bound to be suckers who constantly feed their ego, complimenting themselves and just keep undermining others to make themselves feel more superior.

I've noticed that there's this problem among many guys, they like to make themselves sound so much better than they really are and they have forgotten the main principle in a modern relationship, "girls are meant to be taken care of, loved and pampered, not the other way round."

These guys like to shower themselves with compliments that are not necessary true and constantly undermine their other half.

Modern girls are no longer girls who stay at home waiting for their husbands to get home and make dinner, much less for couples who are not even married yet.

Treat us with respect and compliments that we deserve, not just occasional “I love you(s)”

Unless the following situations, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t show more love for your girl:

1. She’s so fat & ugly that you are the last person in the earth that will ever want her.

2. She has no education, experience nor knowledge or any skills to survive without you.

3. You are so damn good that no girl in the world would ever want to lose you (but then again, if you’re that good, you wouldn’t treat a girl this way)

There are so many more reasons why you should treat your partner better, but understand that nobody will die just because they don’t have you. There are infinite opportunities and alternative for one person, don’t be eaten up by your ego.

There will be a day when she realized that you don’t even really give a fuck for her, but only yourself. That’s the last straw for your girl; she will turn her head against you and never turn back.

You always think to yourself, why girls that will stick with you and bear with your ego without feeling affected are always those stupid or ugly ones, and why those girls that you try so hard to get and win just can’t bear with your constant narcissism. Simply put, girls who have brain, looks and everything don’t like to be undermined, they would bear with it for once or twice but soon enough, she will be done with giving in, with the constant feeling of being inferior cause she knows that she deserve so much more and that you do not deserve her at all for you have no knowledge of how to treat a girl proper.

If you really love and care for someone, do something, show that you care. Don’t give up things and people that are so important to you and will make a great difference in your life just because of your ego. Ego is nothing but something that you tell yourself, something that blocks your logical thinking and feeding it will just make you lose so much in life.

2011

I know that I haven't been exactly a nice person, thus people may see me as a friend that is very hard to accommodate. I'm trying, and learning to be a better person.

Truth is, I'm very insecure, so damn insecure that I need to let people perceive that I'm actually very confident and sometimes, it may be seemed as arrogance.

I want to be a more accommodating person, someone whom you’d want to be with. It’s those insecurities that are fucking up my head.

Losing it.

I'm losing myself day by day.

I feel more and more inferior as day pass.

I don't know who I am and what I want anymore.

It's sad to know that I'm not important in anyone's life like how I did before.

It's sad to know that I'm all alone.

I'm killing myself in within.

Moments of happiness just suddenly got taken over by sadness.

There's no more energy left in me.

Just this small amount of hope that's slowly thinning away.

Why?

I'm working hard, so hard on things that I want.

I didn't used to have to work for anything but now, even when I'm trying my best, I can't have anything.

Society gave up on people who don't work for anything, but why me?

I'm doing my best in every single detail that I could.

Yet I'm not achieving or getting anything?

I hate that these scary thoughts keep intruding my head.

I'm in no control of my life.

Loneliness is eating me up.

Sadness sheltering me.

Every morning, waking up to that blanket of dullness.

It's overwhelming, yet nobody could do anything to lose it.

I can't do anything to leave it.

Hurtful words echoing in my head, constantly feeling like giving up.

Life is so weird, it gives you things when you have everything.

You get complacent and start taking things for granted.

Slowly, you loses everything and when you begged and chase for things that you used to have..

They becomes like dreams, so far away that you feel so tired chasing.

Asking yourself, when can I get to my destination?

When will I get myself back?

& eventually, you gave up trying, giving things up and ends up having regrets in life.

I can't move on, I'm stucked, with trembling limbs not knowing what to do or who to turn to.

What's left of me?