Have you ever loved.. ?

I don't know about you, but I did.

Today, it's a story about me.

Ask me, how many ex-boyfriends do I have.

I really have no idea, several flings, boyfriends, those men whom I thought I'd loved.

Many want to know the story of my own, many knew, it's a tragedy.

Ask me again, have I ever fell in love before?

Yes, I thought it was just once, and maybe the last.

During my younger days, boyfriends were like my essentials.

I'd give every one of them, everything possible, my heart, my mind, my soul.

As I learnt, how many fooled around, how many cheated on me, or even make me their laughing stock.

I once told myself, never to give up on myself, they're just lowlife bastards who cons you.

One day, I will make all of them regret, really regret.

I did, I lost weight, I learnt how to make up, I learnt almost everything to make myself pretty.

I used to be wearing thick make up, short mini skirts, with that flirtatious swinging hips, voluptuous figure and that pretty face. 

I thought that was what I wanted, alluring every single possible men, and kicking them away, like how Beckam would treat a football, of course not literally.

That was my revenge, however those happy moments didn't last long.

I felt guilty, I as if I was those lowlife bastards, who cheats on girls, breaks every possible promise. I wasn't happy, in fact, I was living in melancholy.

I knew I had to change, I knew I wasn't suitable for clubs, I was making my family worried sick.

All those skimpy dresses and skirts were removed from my wardrobe, shorts and jeans, t-shirts and sleeves-on blouses were my new love.

I had guys coming, some were really nice, and many would make girls fall for them.

They just weren't the right one.

Then, I met you.

The one I gave my love to, till now.

It wasn't the fairy tale sweet relationship, it also wasn't long enough for people to envy..

I'd forget how we get to know each other, and how we met.

Without realizing, we were together, I saw you, waiting for me under my block.

My cheeks flushed when the lift opened.

You were quiet and stern. I thought, you didn't like me..

We got on the bus, and when I was almost falling, you grabbed me tightly around my waist..

That was the sweetest thing anyone would do.

You didn't enjoy going out, thereby we'd spend most of our time around your house, meeting your usual friends, and stayed at your usual hang outs.

I remembered vividly when I went to study at your house, I was wearing your oversized t-shirt, lying on the bed studying diligently, making sure of every single details.

You continued with your games, not disturbing me.

Then suddenly you carried me up, looking deep into my eyes, and I laid on your mat placed on the floor.

You switched off your lights, and the room became so dim, only minimal sunlight was able to enter through your curtains.

You caressed my face and told me, you'd often be in this environment, this position, talking to me on the phone, and when I was sleeping, you'd be lying here, thinking of every single smile of mine.

I'd never used to believe all these, except for yours.

I could still remember every gentle touch of yours, till now.

Although details seemed very vague to me now, your face still lingers in my visions and your voice echos in my ears.

You left eventually, like every single one of them.

You would never speak to me again, I apprehend.

After you left, I could not bring myself to be in love again.

I was afraid of committing, I couldn't bring myself to believe anymore.

I didn't want to be guilty of heart breaking any further either.

It was the best if I stayed this way..

Till the day, I'd learnt to stand up, by myself..

Be independent, without worries and fears.

I will love, just one day.

This is my story, my love did not last only those days with him, up till now, I believe I still does.

What about yours?

Have you ever loved?

Sigh,
I'm sorry, that's all I can say.
But that was what I really wanted.

Dear Diary,
It's funny when I starts reading my past year's Christmas shoutout,
something like, "It's a lonely Christmas again."
It's quite funny when I'd been spending Christmas with my friends, enjoying myself.
We'd celebrate at town, bbqs, parties, clubs..
& I'd actually say, It's a lonely Christmas.
That's quite contradicting isn't it?
The bbq's just hours away, felt that excitement gushing out me.
Thank you guys for the Christmas shopping yesterday!
Mr fat K, Wei Ee, Sam, Xun fu, Bobby & Wilson.
Although I know you guys not long enough to be called friends, but it was real fun spending time with all of you :D
Many thanks to those whom bought me Christmas presents.
It's really sweet. :D
& I haven't done my Christmas shopping ):
tomorrow, during Christmas :D
heeeeeeeee.
Thank you,
Eileen, Songjun, Jiaxun, Weisi, Irene & my mummy for this celebration too.
All the time, spending together shopping, budget-ing.
Seeking for the cheapest price among supermarket.
Typical Auntie shopping.
My Girlgirl, faster come back, I miss your fat lips.
& Your meimei is no longer the fatty hor.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE :D

Dear Diary,
time really flies when you're enjoying.
It's Christmas in 3 days time.. Really looking forward to it..
& perhaps it's time to come out with a new year resolution.
My beloved brother's reaching Singapore in 3 days time too, I guess he must be jumping with joy. haha.
My fat, thick lips brother, WELCOME BACK LAH!
Just an conversation to me in msn;

weiyue says:
shihan
weiyue says:
call mum to call me
*
weiyue just sent you a nudge.
*
weiyue says:
you there ?
weiyue says:
HELLO
weiyue says:
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO
weiyue says:
HELLO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
weiyue says:
anybody at home ?
weiyue says:
how come u always put online then u disappear 1
weiyue says:
FAST ANSWER ME
weiyue says:
OIE OIE OIE
weiyue says:
U THRERERERE
weiyue says:
ANSWER ME YOU FATTY
weiyue says:
hahahaha
weiyue says:
just kidding la
weiyue says:
hahaha
weiyue says:
i love u fatty
weiyue says:
i mean skinny

Hey, you know what bro, SLAP YOU.
:D
He's always so bubbly, just like me. LOL
Thank you guys for making several of my wishes come true.
All my dearest angels :D
& to my friends, I don't wanna get drift apart from any of you, no matter it's Army, or quarrels.
I still do miss you guys. :D
Merry Christmas soon <3

Princess;

You came fetching me in a Honda, it was different from his, he drives a Porsche, luxury sound system, the seats provides exemplary comfort and lateral support, everything works in just a touch of the remote, on the other hand, I felt different when I got seated on your Honda, it feels safe and stable. Although the luxurious was different, I felt my heart screamed in excitement when I'm with you.
It was a white Christmas, the weather had been callous, I was shivering cold when you place your hands on mine. They were so warm, you look at me with a smile.
I felt the warmth in beneath, that had vanished long ago.
We stopped by a bridge, the area was arctic and clear, there were just you and me.
I got down the car, smiling at you, and my nose red, you pinch it so softly to gave it warmth.
We haven't know each other long, but you gave me a feeling, as if you know everything about me, like someone whom knew me for years, and showered me with love and care.
I haven't felt this way before, we just looked at each other smiling, not uttering a single word.
I'd not visited this place before, when I stepped out of the car, it was just so beautiful, the alluring pretty place, as if wanting me to stay and enjoy every moment of my life here, with you.
I mumbled a Thank you.
You start telling me why you wanted to know me, why did you stop me during prom, and why you thought I wasn't happy.
You told me you wanted me to be happy, you wanted to make me smile which my boyfriend failed to.
"You know, you're very beautiful, I don't know if you'll believe in love at the first sight, but that was exactly how I felt."
It felt like it wasn't any talks anyone who'd say to me, it felt like it was your heart felt words.
The snowflakes that falls onto my hands melted like how my heart did.
I leaned forward, to give you a peck on your cheeks, you blushed like how a kid does..
Oh dear, I'm in love.
You'd tell me how you used to notice me in school, read my blogs, get to know my friends and how you got to know more about me..
I didn't know someone was doing that all these while, you'd be a better boyfriend than the perfect one I had, I knew it.
Not soon after, we got together, many envied us. Some even voiced sarcastic remarks.
They wont last long, she never had a boyfriend that last long.
We knew we would, and we were inseparable.
The trust between us overcome every obstacle, the giving in of you and the understanding of me, made us believe in each other.
It was years since the prom night, everything had remained the same.
We'd been an example of love at the first sight.
Darling, remember the Christmas twelve years ago? It was when we had our first date.
It was when, you gave up your prince for me,
And it was when, I'd won a princess heart..
I love you, as long as I lived, I'd live for you.
My heart never dies, for you.

Princess;

I was wearing the blue satin dress, had my hair brushed together, when I met you.
It was prom and my date was just beside me, clinging on to my arms.
He was charming, with hazel eyes, thick eye brows, thin lips, high cheekbone, athletic body.
Playful, ingenious, well-to-do..
Just a perfect date for any girls, however somehow I can't feel the chemistry between us.
The night at prom was long and weary, I didn't leave him for just a second, I just flashed my smile to familiar faces, I wasn't popular in school after all.
He was different, he went around introducing me to his friends, acknowledge every single friend of his.
Girls were envy, and I would often caught them glimpsing at us.
To many, maybe they'd feel presumptuous, however I felt awkward, none of my body cells were elated.
As I felt like I can barely breathe in the crowd, I was excused to the restroom. I dashed in and held a deep breathe, it seems like the restroom was a better locale.
I wet my face, and exit with a forced smile.
You grabbed me from somewhere, and pulled me to the balcony, I looked at you, and realised I didn't know you.
Who is this, another friend of his? Some upcoming surprises? Bullshits.
I stared at you, when you spoke.
"Hey, why do you seemed so troubled? C'mon this is our prom night.", you spoke as if I knew you.
"Who are you? Why're you bringing me here? I need to go back to my boyfriend.", I sound irritated.
"Your boyfriend? You must be kidding, you haven't been smiling. You sure you're not forced to be his girlfriend?" You laughed with your both fingers showing quotation to the word girlfriend.
Why was he noticing me, why did he know I wasn't happy? He must be crazy.
I walked away.
Then hugged me, I was shocked.
I pushed you away, and threatened to tell my boyfriend, you just laughed.
I couldn't bear anymore of your laughter, it really irritates me.
Then you introduce yourself, took my phone and exchanged numbers.
I didn't know exactly why did I gave you my phone. That was the first time I saw you.
The clock was reading 0232 AM, when I received your text.
Hey princess, how's your "boyfriend"? I missed you.
Why must you always tease me. I hate being teased, and what's up with the I missed you.
I didn't bother to reply when my phone jingle with the tune; All I want for Christmas.
Why isn't the princess replying, she must be angry. I'm sorry princess..
A kiss for Christmas present? Please... Just reply me.
I was enraged, you talk as if you're my boyfriend.
I replied in like 5 words per second,

Can you just stop texting me? I need to get some sleep, I am attached now, so stop calling me princess, hugs and kisses. It's irritating. Why are you always irritating me?

Another reply came,
See, you want me to text you, you're asking me a question and I guess I can't stop texting you,
I'm not irritating you, I just wanna talk to you. It was love at a first sight.

I fell asleep not reading your reply.
When I woke up in the morning, I've got 8 text messages and 4 was from you.

Princess must be sleeping, tomorrow's Christmas, will I get to spend it with you?
Princess oh princess, I've got a surprise for you.
Princess! Reply me when you wakes up and see the parcel on your doorstep alright?
Have my princess seen the parcel?

I scanned through your messages and thought you were ridiculous, I opened my door and saw a Pink parcel inked, To my dearest princess.
I was astonished, so you really did meant a parcel literally.
It was 12 in the noon, and I picked up my phone to call, you.
You sound so sleepy, when you picked up the phone.
Hey, what's the parcel about?
Eh.. What parcel?
The pink one, you sent it to me.
I haven't sent any parcel, you sure you got the correct person?
Yes, you even text me to call you when I've received it, are you nuts?
Hey, I haven't sent any parcels and I'm sleeping right now, so please be more considerate alright?
I just hang up, my blood boiling.
Then, my phone sang again.
Hey princess!
What do you want now.
Okay, it's my fault, I wasn't supposed to tease you, so have you opened the parcel?
I thought you said you haven't send any?
Okay, I'm sorry alright. Just please open the parcel, it's your christmas present!
It was so sweet, a snowman made of swarovski crystals.
and with a envelope sealed.
Don't open the envelope! Okay?
You shouted through the receiver.
How do you know I loved swarovski crystals?
I know you love Christmas too, you wrote it in your blog remember?
I was closed to tears, even my boyfriend didn't know that..
How could someone I know less than 48 hours know me that well.
You wanna celebrate Christmas together?
Alright.
Christmas, was our first date..
I didn't know why I agreed to celebrate with you, I just know that you're the one.

Dear Diary,
I suck all time.
I just can't admit to myself, and even to those whom I love.
God, just slap me real hard.

"Let's break up, we're not suitable."
I left you with that, & we haven't spoke for some time.
I was shopping alone at Marina Square when someone knocked on me, I was chafed.
Hastily picked up the bags on the floor, when I stood up, you passed me my bags & apologised repeatedly. I wanted to take my bags and walk away when you stopped me.
Then I realise, it was you, I haven't seen you for such a long time that I couldn't even recognise you. We started chatting, and before we know, we're in a cafe chattering away.
Then, I need to run along with my plans, hence we exchanged numbers.
When I saw you, I knew you were different from then.
There was something within you beckoning me to be interested.
We were messaging each other almost everyday, you seemed to be a part of me.
When we missed hours messaging, I felt like something's not right, I felt aberrant.
You were always so sweet, sometimes I wished it wasn't from my mobile, but from your mouth, telling me.
Die already, I miss you very much.. (:
You're very cute my dear! Squeeze squeeze. (:
Every texts from you held a smiley face. Making me smile when I'm down..
Every single word from you seems to be echoing in my brain.
I knew I was in love.
I'd spend days and night thinking of you, every farewell to you seems painful.
I'd lie on my bed on hours thinking of your smile, recalling the words you'd said.
I was addicted to you.
We'd both not agreed to the idea of be in a relationship, due to our different commitments.
That was a wrong decision, a very wrong one.
Soon, you got bore of me, you told me, "We are not meant to be together, We're totally different."
My world came crashing down, I didn't tear, I held back my tears.
After all, I got to wake up from my dreams, face the fact that We're not meant to be together.
I know, maybe what you did was the best for both.
I just couldn't stop missing you, till now.
I'd read your texts again and again, hoping that you withdraw your words.
Still telling me,
What're you doing my dear? I miss you. (:
With that familiar smile, the smell on you still lingers around my mind.
Those faithful touch from you,
I know you'll not cosset me like how you used to anymore.
Because, you'll be the dream that I will wish forever for it to come true.
My heart's with you baby, please return..

Dear diary,
I know how being lonely feels like..
& I've learnt that care & concerns don't have to always be words.
I don't have to be important to anyone elses, just that I know I've got important people in my life. For me, that's more than enough.
I know if I've got something kept within me, I can call anyone of them & they'd lend me their listening ears & a shoulder to lean on.
Words used to be very important to me,
your blog, your friendster, your etc..
I'd feel disappointed without having my name appearing but now,
I know it doesn't matter, as long as you know I'll always be here if you need me.
Talk is cheap.
& truths are harsh.
We've got to learn to accept this fact.
I used to apprehend that nobody actually reads all these crap that is written,
now that I know, many is. & I sincerely thank you loves.
You gotta know, I'll always be here, no matter what I'd said,
even if I was angry, it'd be all in the past.
You'll still be my friend, & I'd still be your listening ear.
Some might question me for why I don't get furious when I hear some ridiculous statement about anyone, just because of one thing.
I simply, wasn't present. & I don't wanna listen to an one sided story.
What I can do is just to end it with a pleasant smile. [:
Darling, you know I'd be here.
Silly, don't be afraid to approach me, just do it like how you used to :D

Perfect.

You'd look into my eyes deeply, & whisper into my ears telling me how perfect I am.
& apprise that nobody could ever replace what I'd gave.
I'd always thought, if I'd try hard enough to be more perfect, we'd be forever..
Then, you told me..
I'm too perfect for you, I should find someone better to be with me, keeping me accompany.
but, you're not me, how would you know how precious are you to me?
Without you, I can no longer be perfect..
You'd made me guilty of my merits.
Or maybe, it's just a convenient excuse to leave me.
We're like masquerader, telling each other how perfect, how flawless we are..
However, ends up realising, it was just a dream.
One day, we'll wake up & apprehend that nothing's perfect, neither are we..
Perfect is just a disguise of who we really are..

Dear Diary,
I haven't really felt happy these few weeks.
Something's troubling me. Nothing's helping.
Somehow, it just seems like I'm the one whose creating all these problems.
I feel like weeping so badly sometimes,
my life still goes on, I'd spend nights watching those taiwan drama & ends up sleeping in the morning.
I just feel so angry at myself at times & I'd just vent my anger on every single thing.
It sucks, just totally.
I feel like fainting right now, I feel so awful.
Is it that my heart can no longer contain all my miseries, & now it's pouring out.
I might seem so busy everyday, being so tired, my phone just keep ringing..
However, when you really realise. It's me.
It's me who made myself so busy, so tired.
I feel so lousy right now.
My head hurts.



Till death do us apart.
I could still remember vividly how we met,
I was walking back home from the station alone, unlike other days, I didn't have anyone to send me home.
I haven't felt that peace within me for a very long time, it was a beautiful night, stars were shining brightly as if they were smiling at me.
I felt so good, looking at the stars, thinking of my childhood memories.
Just when I was enjoying gazing at the stars, I noticed a black car stopping just right in front of me.
You peeked out of the window, asking if I need a lift home.
I didn't have intentions of accepting the offer till you opened the door & invited me.
Out of curiosity. I questioned you for sending me home.
Then I realised you were my best friend's brother, so you did recognise me.
You smile was so charming.
Upon reaching home, you insisted in sending me to my doorstep.
I thought, you'd make a great boyfriend.
After a year, you still did insist in sending me to my doorstep, I gave you a goodnight kiss before waving good bye.
I knew you were the one, the one whom I'd spend my last days with, the one whom I'd travel around the world with.
You used to send me back home at least twice a week, & slowly it became twice a fortnight, & it became twice a month..
We were just so busy. I know, we don't have time for commitments.
Every date with you is sweet and relaxed.
But it became hasty and gloomy.
I'd decided to end this once and for all, I could no longer see your charming smile.
I could no longer see the warmth in you.
Your career had replaced me in your heart, I know that.
You were surprised when I broke the news.
I walked away, holding back my tears.
I was firm with my decision, I knew it'd be the best for both of us.
I'm so sorry my dear, I couldn't help but see you suffer..
I love you.

Why didn't you wait for me, I didn't know how you felt until I read this...
It isn't true that dates with you were unpleasant, I was just troubled.
The only days that I could relax for a little bit more was the days with you.
The days that you'd comfort me with your smile & your hugs.
I feel just horrible without you.
It isn't true that my heart wasn't there.
It isn't true that I didn't want to see you, I just don't want you to worry for me.
I wasn't suffering, the best times in life was with you, I love you darling.
Why did you leave, I should've spent more time with you.
I should've clarify things with you. I'm sorry, please come back.
Baby, till death do us apart.. I'll be here, always waiting.

Yours,
Love.

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for not being there.

I'm sorry for not being able to appreciate you when you tried making me smile.

I'm sorry for not being able to trust you.

I'm sorry for not being able to feel secure.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough.

I'm sorry for not being able to be in your shoes.

There might be thousands & millions of sorry(s) to everyone.

What's wrong with me.

Is it because of the several wrong choices that made me so insecure?

I know I can blame no one, but myself.

Now that I'm trying to clear all my doubts & be finally down to earth.

I'll start studying from tomorrow, & get to work.

Finally, a retest on Friday.

Give it your best shot Shihan. {:

Maybe, the real me is the best.

Stop acting, for the sake of yourself.

You can't even differentiate the real you and the other you.

Walked along HMV, looked at the sophisticated albums.

found several Christmas sound tracks, there's an urge in me to buy all of them.

I love Christmas, & Christmas songs! :D

How I wish I could decorate a tall tall big big Christmas tree & invite all my friends over for a Christmas party.

Playing the Christmas song, dancing throughout the night, & watch Christmas movies on the big television.

After that, drive all the way to Orchard Road to take some pictures of the dainty pretty decorations.

Have our supper at Esplanade, & walk around the Singapore River.

Heh, I know it sounds like fairy tale.

But, it'd be so sweet, isn't it? {:

I was walking under the rain, shivering inside.

The rain made my white shirt so super transparent.

I was so embarrassed.

I was drenched, make up smudged.

was feeling so empty inside.

Cabbed home & took a hot bathe.

It was so pleasant, like a young child, get to see his mama after his classes in the noon.

I'm thinking clear, knowing what I want.

Don't worry. I will walk along with you.

Something beneath me tells me not to be true,
for it will only get me hurt.

Things changed.
Everything, I know.
Thanks for everything. {:
It's time to grow up/.
A new chapter in life once again.
Changes for the better, I believe. <3

she'll never leave, she'll always be there protecting.
he'll never give up till his last breathe, always be there for assurance.
thank you, I love you dad, I love you mum.
You guys will be the best I'd ever had.

Dear Diary,
I'm so early today!
Will be sleeping after this.
Felt great after breakfast with dad.
He's so sweet. After all, a meal with him isn't that bad.
Oh well, I guess I will have weekends breakfast with him just like how we used to.
{: It's a promise daddy.
I wanted some changes in my life, for instance to get something to do, & be busy with.
I'll be working starting this Thursday.
Getting paid, earning my own money.
Stop slacking girl, start doing some thing.
I've realised I've been slacking for almost a year.
& now it's time to do something.
Soon after working it'll be Christmas, & I'll have to go back to school.
Closed down my previous blog.
A new me, & stronger me.
Felt relieved, after knowing what I want to do.
I've got few of my goals off the lists, & some remaining.
Work hard, show them what you are capable of.
It always feel so great, to wake up in the morning, looking at my big desktop.
Typing freely, not rushing.
It's a commitment. {:
It's a long & tiring day today.
Somehow, I don't wish to talk about some things that happened, so stop asking.
Good night,
I love you.

Blurred vision, shall have my last stick before bed. <3