Today, I've caught myself in a sudden outburst, something that haven't exactly happened to me for a very, very long time. I've caught a glimpse of weakness within myself, I don't fancy this feeling at all. Irony to this, a dear friend commented that I was like 'a robot', someone who seems impossible to feel.
Cause of the outburst - No one in particular, just something that triggered me. So I was having an intense conversation with a friend, someone whom was attracted to me, and honestly, I was a little attracted to. Knowing my incapability to commit or care, we've decided to stay just as friends. Apparently, he had gone through a hard time and wanted some form of affection (or care) from someone. I happened to be the 'someone'. However, I was not in position to care due to overwhelming workloads and crazy melodramatic events that happened recently. He reminded me of myself, a lonely and sometimes, needy person. Now why is this related to my sudden outburst? I was/am in his position. Lonely and needy, caught in critical situations where it's out of my control. I hate it. I should probably admit that I can be a control freak, or I am a control freak. Such circumstances just make me.. Upset? Upset that I am not able to do anything to change it, as much as I want it to. What was worse was, due to all these fucked-up events and workloads, I had to dump all these negative vibes into this empty dark room behind my head. Shutting it as tight as possible, cause I can't afford to be affected by it. I didn't turn to anyone, didn't share shit or find comfort any where. I couldn't even find time to spend with myself.
What made me break - I wouldn't exactly say that I broke down, but what happened was I was so furious that I couldn't hold back my tears. I was just so pissed off that someone had the audacity to request time and affection from me, when I can't even give it to myself. Yes, I may seemed selfish, but I'm human. Apart from locking up my emotions and feelings, I have that limited time and capabilities. With so many things on hand, it was too much to handle. Look, it's not how I want myself to be. Cold, heartless and being a control freak. I have to be like that, I am wired to be like that. I want to be happy, normal, emotional as well, but I can't. I just have too much expectations and responsibilities currently (or maybe in the future) to let all these affect me. Life has too much grey zones, and I try as hard as I could to find a clear line. A line between white and black, yes or no. I have no time to beat around the bush, and so limited time that I could spend with people I care due to all the never ending duties I'm facing. We've agreed to be friends, and I am honestly not obliged to present anything for you. If I did, I probably have extra time and I could cope with myself and it's really a bonus for you. Just because I have my responsibilities and priorities, doesn't mean that I don't give a shit.
It's just really hard for me to express how I feel due to all the emotions being locked up in one place. There are always pros and cons to stuffs. Pros - I need not feel hurt, pain, sadness or anything negative. Cons - I lose the ability to appear 'human', to feel, to express myself. Remember this, there will never be best of both worlds and these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make for myself. Before calling me heartless and selfish, think of the situation I'm in and all the shit that I have to solve. I don't want to be like that, but I have to. I don't wish to be affected by emotions and fail like how I did in the past. Regardless of not being able to feel, I still am able to care. By showing how I care, the occasional texts, calls, dinners, movies, hanging out or just a simple 'how are you?'. This is how I am able to care, and it is the most I can give. Again, unless I have less things on hands and I have the spare time. Many times, I've sacrificed time to spend with myself, to spend with people I care for. Yes, I don't express it in words, but I do, by actions. Don't judge that I'm selfish and heartless just because I'm independent and strong. I wish that I could have more time, I wish that there isn't so much drama going on. I wished that I am not alone. But I am, and I just have to suck it up, be strong, and do what I need to do.
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